( Insecurities. )

I have a lot of insecurities. Some of them are about the way I look, some of them are about the way I sound…

And some of them, I don’t even know what they’re about but they manifest themselves as a knot in my throat or a sinking feeling in my stomach when I’m around other people, and more intensely when I’m by myself.

Video calls are problematic for me, because I don’t like seeing my own reflection in real time. I have a hard time looking myself in the eyes in the mirror for too long, because I know the eyes can reveal a person’s inner light or darkness—and sometimes I’m afraid of what I’ll find.

To be honest, I’ve been afraid of my own insides for as long as I can remember.

The other day, a friend of mine DM-ed me as a response to one of my Instagram posts and asked me: “How do you stay so positive?”.  The first reply which came to my mind was, “Wait, you think I’m positive all the time??? If only you knew of all the not-so-positive thoughts that are often bouncing off the walls of my head….”

I’m not attempting to draw attention to myself with this piece of writing; but I am trying to draw attention to the human experience. Don’t be fooled by smiling photos…(not that I’m intentionally trying to fool anyone), but it’s important to remember that a photo only captures a split second in time. Be careful and take note of the instances when you judge or establish your perception of another person’s existence based upon a curated collective display of milliseconds of their entire lives.

Being a human is interesting, because we all experience the same emotions, but differently.

We are all unique and special, but also—we are all the same.

Some of us dedicate our lives to becoming a beacon of excellence amidst a sea of mediocrity; but also, we are all simultaneously and involuntarily part of that sea. We are as ordinary as we are extraordinary.

Humans are walking contradictions—full of love & animosity, light & darkness, gentleness & rage. Sometimes, we lie to “protect” those we love, and we often “ride or die” for those we would probably be better off without.

We cherish our privileges and turn a blind eye to the maltreatment of our brothers & sisters because it’s easier, and it doesn’t disrupt our carefully constructed comfort zones.

Where am I going with this? I’m not even quite sure myself—this is just a collection of things that I’ve been really wanting to say.

In conclusion, I’d like to note that: surviving, not to mention actually living, is hard. Certainly, some of us face much more difficult circumstances than others, but please remember that regardless of how it appears, everyone has struggles.

In light of that fact:

Be loving. Be mindful. Put yourself in another person’s shoes— literally wear someone else’s shoes if that would help. Be compassionate. Be curious and look for the truth before drawing conclusions. Be intentional. Be the person that you hope others might be toward you.

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Thanks for reading! Feel free to check out the rest of my ramblings via the Blog section in the menu above. Leave a comment below, hit me up on Instagram (@717mellow), or email me at staymellowcollective@gmail.com if you'd like to chat!